Monday, December 12, 2005:
yeah, i guess. was thinking about it during carolling today. what am i really doing. am i just making use of people's problems helping them to solve them to cover up the hiccups in my life. is that wrong? i mean, really, is that wrong of me to do that? i do want to help them, and at the same time, try to fill up my head with thoughts of other people's problems instead of my own. i feel like i've been hidden again from my purpose. the light isnt as clear, the road isnt as straight, and something just feels wrong about my whole.. perspective. is that the word? or attitude.. i dunno..
daniel said today how we should be united with each other (in the case of carolling) and following the appointed leader cos god has called he or she to lead and we should follow and support them. if everyone at carolling could be committed and focus on what's the right thing, whether it is coming early for practice, or having discipline, listening to the conductresses, whatsoever.. i guess that's the problem, everyone cant be focussed. distractions are everywhere. we ourselves distract ourselves. and thats another problem in life.. too many things block my path. maybe i'm just saying that as an excuse. but really, there are voids in my life that need to be removed so that i can see what god wants me to do and be. there are too much emotions involved, and in a way,that can be very bad cos it is causing me to wander and think about things that can never happen or even if it can, shouldnt. and i dont want anything to happen. not for now. i feel heavy.. and i need time to sort out everything. you know what just struck me? it was that at the end of the day, your friends and parents wont matter. its the time and walk you have with god that matters. so i shouldnt be feeling confused and hurt over all these little irks and feelings, which is holding me back from the one true thing that i really and only need.
another sad event happened today. and its left me in great shock. i have no idea why i feel hurt, when it doesnt even concern me.. perhaps its because i've just realised the fragility of life. its a whole new emotion that i dont know how to deal with. how to handle death. and i can imagine how hard it will be for them. if i'd lost someone that close, i'd feel lost and suddenly my life would have no direction. my life would be empty. and sure. i would curse and blame god for all that has happened. how life isnt fair. and why god let this happen. and why god allows me to feel all the anguish and pain and suffering. why.. and once i thought about all that, i wondered why i thought about it in the first place. and also if this had happened to me, why is my faith so weak that i would choose to blame god.. in the end, i concluded with everyone has their own decisions to make, and its a choice that god has given to you, to take the cross and follow him and to live in his grace. everyone will ultimately have to answer to god for their own actions. and that your body is god's temple.
you know, somehow, even after sorting out some of my thinking, i still feel burdened. and i wonder why.
a shout of praise.
11:50 PM
